When You Were Young
I'm Ashley in case you didn't know. I'm sad with my vulnerability. My mom is dead and my dad, whole 'nother story. He's an abusive parent. I'd like to believe he only does it for my deceased mother. But I'm sure that's not the case. I come home every afternoon. I set my stuff down in the kitchen and grab a snack. I do my homework, I get good grades. But 8:45pm is what I'd like to call "The Dark Hour". It's when my dad comes home and beats me. I lie on the linoleum floor, with bruises. I'd love to rebuttle but I can't. I just, can't see myself doing that. But yet I continue. With a smile masking my face, shielding from sympathetic comments of the everyday people.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!
I always asked daddy to go outside. I just wanted to be like the normal group of kids. I occasionally got to go outside. But my dad's reasoning was because he wanted me out. Wanted me away from him. Said that I was just a mistake haunting his mind. Seeing as I was young, none of these words got to me. I never dwelled on what he had to say. I can remember the first time going outside. I met this kid. His name was Kevin. We were both 5 years old. He had a swingset in his backyard and when I grew older, I came to realize, he lived next to me. Every afternoon that I could escape, I went outside. I went out to play with him. My dad would be so hungover that we'd be on the swingset till dark. But I went in at a good time seeing as that I considered Mrs. Jonas, Kevin's mom, my own mother. I never told anyone about my father. But I trusted Kevin enough, I wanted to tell him. I trusted Kevin enough, I wanted him in my life. I needed security and love, and I believed that Kevin had those. But he was so oblivious.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
Every night that I'd been hit, I'd lay on the floor, hoping for Kevin. I sat with heartache, low on love. I viewed Kevin as my prince charming. I became surprised. Nobody heard my screams, or my yelps. I guess I was to young. He was so, gentleman-like. Every girl's fairytale. I'd write in a journal. Spill my thoughts. And oh, how it would be amazing if my first kiss was with him. But nobody said a girl could not dream.
Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
And yet, dreaming can get you far, or get you nowhere. But seeing as I was born a dreamer, I believed it could get me anywhere. At nights, my routineful escape was climbing on the roof. I'd lay up there, sometimes falling asleep. At times, I didn't care. I'm sure people would ask why I'm up there and if I'm afraid of falling, and my answer would be, things have been worse.
One night, he scared me. I dozed on the roof, following my daze. Surrendering. Kevin stood on my deck, silently calling for me, as to not wake up my father. But the slight strike of his whisper scared me a bit. I sat up, my hair was drenched of rainwater. His was too. I invited him to sit with me on the roof and he gladly did so. We talked about life. We let the drops of rain take in our fears and our pain. He said that even though life was good, he sometimes wished he were never famous. I ended up revealing the things about what my dad did. Spontaneously, just out of nowhere, my feelings for him collided with his. He grabbed me by the back of my neck, pulling me close, and locking lips. We had our privacy, our own little world. Nothing could take us down.
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young
Things took off from there. Prince Charming arrived. He let go of the passion, us laying, like the 5 year olds we were. We giggled, we cried, we talked, we smiled, we yelled, most of all, we enjoyed each others presence. It was just like when we were young.
And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young
We layed up there for hours. The rain ceasing it's force. Lightly now, dancing on our bodies. We were still on the roof. We ended up sleeping, in each others arms and as I closed my eyes, I remembered life here before. Remembering the times of our short talk on the swingset till around 9:30 and then jumping off, saying goodbye, and going in.
They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
But now we were here. With the littlest care. And my love for him grew strong. I wanted HIM and the passion.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes
But I never told him. Never told him how I felt. The kiss said everything. He's gone. He's touring with his brothers. Gone from my grasp, and gone from my sight. I lie on the floors, again and again. I lay there with the biggest hole in my heart. The hole where he's supposed to be.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young
I have all of his albums. I've collected most of the merchandise. Cut out the pictures. But the hole is there. Until the one day it's patched up. The one day that he comes home, and visits me. The one day that we swing and hang out on the roof, just like when we were young.
I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know
----
For you Ashley!
Nat
