The Words You Didn’t Speak
Her cloudy brown eyes looked at the screen of her computer, the words she was reading were killing her. How could the boy she loved, the boy who she had devoted herself to be telling the world that he didn’t have a girlfriend. Wasn’t that what she was to him, didn’t she mean anything. One last look at the screen showed the words that were slowly breaking her heart.
No I don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe I’ll find that special someone soon.
How could he say that in multiple interviews, when he clearly had her? They’d been together for almost a year and in every interview in the past twelve months said the same thing.
I’m single. I don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe soon. Yea I’d date a fan.
The last one was the only one that was true out of them all. She would know she was that fan who was lucky enough to be dating him. But why was he telling everyone that he didn’t have a girlfriend. That’s what she had been for twelve months almost. That’s the role she had played was it not. As her phone vibrated against her leg she looked at the background she had chosen. It was the two of them wrapped around one another. Then those cloudy eyes turn to the message as a single tears falls.
Babe what’s wrong? Why haven’t you been answering my texts?
It hadn’t started out that way, at first every single text was replied to with little messages of love on both sides. But then they slowed down from him at first and then as he regained his confidence they basically stopped from her. Before the messages were about loving and missing the other one but now it was different most looking like they were written by a friend not a lover.
Just finished a show. Call me.
Those messages never got returned just like the ones that made comments about what he had done recently.
Just finished TRL. Did you see?
Of course she saw it, she watched everything he did because she loved him. She knew every night when he was done with the concerts, the times he went on stage for something else, the interviews, the videos, the everything. But she wasn’t going to let it on because every single interview or show or anything of the sort had the same question and answer that was slowly hurting her.
Do you guys have girlfriends?
Nope. I’m single. Maybe one day soon.
If only that wasn’t the biggest lie she had ever heard him say. She shook away another tear as her phone started to vibrate again. She was sure he was going to push her like he did every time that she didn’t reply but this wasn’t him. This was his brother’s number, his brother’s name and his brother’s words.
It kills him that you don’t talk to him.
Her sob gets stuck in her throat and her eyes look at the frame on the wall that holds his picture causing a tear to stream down her cheek. It’s not alone everything she had built up releasing slowly. She just cries and cries as she slowly gets over it and him. It wasn’t just killing her it was killing him, the time, the distance, the everything. That’s when she decided to do the thing that was sure to rip her heart out.
I love you but I can’t stand this. I’m sorry.
She couldn’t type any more and sent the text before flinging her body onto the bed crying. Her phone vibrates on and off all night but she couldn’t answer it, couldn’t hear his voice again, and didn’t want to hear that hurt. She hadn’t meant for it to end this way. In fact she had never planned on breaking his heart or anyone else’s heart. She did love him with all her own heart but she couldn’t stand hearing him say that he didn’t have a girlfriend. Because he did and she was that lucky girl. His brothers even told everyone who they were dating but he wouldn’t. For some reason he wouldn’t.
I miss you…
That was the only text message she opened before deleting all the others. She couldn’t stand to see the words he had written to her anymore. The voicemails were left unanswered and her phone was slowly full, so it got shut off. She picked up a new phone a few days later with a new number, and prayed that this one wasn’t filled with him like the other one was. That one which held his name, face, and her heart, the one which showed her love for him still.
I love NJJ.
The writing was faded but it still shined out on the back of her sidekick. She couldn’t get herself to erase it or change it in any way. Because she did love him. She took her normal spot in front of the computer and looked at articles until one caught her eye. The bold letters spoke of heartbreak among his family and she knew it was her fault. Then she read the words she was looking for.
I had a wonderful girlfriend named Dana and we had been dating for almost a full year. But recently we broke up she told me she still loved me but she couldn’t do it anymore. At first I was lost as to what had brought this up from my sweet and caring Dana. And then I realized that I never told the world about her just said I was single day in and day out by habit. I mean I don’t like my personal life out there but Dana took it as a sign as I didn’t love her or want to be with her but the truth is I’m madly in love with her. I hope that she knows that I do love her and I miss her.
She smiled reading the last words, a smile that was true one of the first that she had smiled in a long time. She turned to the abandoned phone and listened to every single word his voice had to say from his I miss you’s to his I love you’s she knew that everything he said was true. Tears streaming from joy she dialed his number and waited. His voice filled her ear happily as he tried to tell her everything quickly and she laughed slightly, causing him to stop talking. Then it was her turn.
“I do love you and I miss you. You know I almost lost you. Because of the words you didn't speak.”
