"What is wrong?" I asked my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Nick looked at me and shook his head slightly. You think I would be used to this as often as it happend. Yet I wasn't. Cold fear and sorrow gripped at my heart every time he was like this. I looked out to the Blue Ridge Mountains deep in thought. Why did I bother wondering? He never told me. Never told me what was wrong. Except for that day. People wonder why I am so protective of him now. If only they saw what I saw,heard what I heard...on that one day.
It had started off just like today did. Nick was upset and wouldn't tell me anything. All I could do was hold his hand and pray for him to say those 3 words. Yet he never did. Nick just walked me to my door and walked off. He had never done this before. Never did Nick not say "To Our Spot??" It scared me to see the vacant look in his eyes when he turned and waved weakly at me. He had never looked like that before. Just then I noticed how unNicklike he looked. His mass of curls on his head looked like a squirrel's nest. His beautiful brown eyes seemed as if there was no light on inside...Like no one was home. Dark rings sagged under his eye giving away that he hadn't slept in weeks. Nick seemed much skinnier as if he hadn't eat in a few days. It wasn't the Nick I knew. It wasn't the kind,caring,sensitive,always there for me Nick. That's for sure. This Nick looked like a mad man on the run. He was on the run though. On the run from the emotions that had constantly taunted him. The ideas that would make people scream if they were ever spoken aloud.
I walked in to find my mother sitting on the couch reading. Her head lifted up and she raised and eyebrow knowing I shouldn't be home yet. I shook my head looking down afraid of what she would say if she saw the tears in my eyes. Sympothy was what I registered from her gaze. If there was anything else I wouldn't know becase I was already upstairs in my room. Tears ran silently down my cheeks as I asked God why he had put such a sweet boy to so much torture.
Hours later I got up and slipped my jaket on knowing what to do. I was going to Our Spot even if he wasn't there. Something inside me was telling me to go. As if my head might clear and I could figure out what was going on while I was there. Slowly I trudged through the woods praying that God would part the underbrush for me. I went as fast as I could. Not because I wanted to think things out. No,I would take my time for that. It was because fresh footprints were unmistakably marked in the soft soil.
As I appraoched a familiar voice rang through the woods over the costant babble of the stream. It was a desperate voice calling out for help. It hurt me to hear Nick suffering like that. I walked up behind him with great care. I didn't need to be noticed. Nick screamed to the world with anger and hatred in his voice.
"Why do you do this to me?!?! I give all I can give and you give me nothing in return?! What kind of God are you?!" Nick screamed. I smothered a gasp. Nick had never talked to the Lord that way before. It was time for me to get a close up look at what he was doing.
When I could fully see what he was doing I nearly got sick. A sticky looking red substance convered his left arm,the rock he was sitting on,and made a deep red spot in the water. Blood.In his left hand he held a bottle of pills. Marked to only take one ever 48 hours. My guess was that he wanted to take more...WAY MORE. In his right he held a bloody knife.
Nick looked up confused at the horrified gasps coming from behind him. When he saw it was me he immediatley stiffend. Quickly he crumpled and broke down into vicious sobs. His body shook so violently I had to hold him to keep him from falling into the stream. Nick,at that moment,wasn't the strong,protective boyfriend he always seemed to be. He was fragile and I had been too think-headed to notice. It was partially my fault. I didn't push for answers more,I didn't ask the questions I needed to ,I let him get away with being mad acting like I didn't care,and...I didn't tell him I loved him enough. Involuntary sobs escaped my lips. Nick,my Nick,was contemplating suicide. My heart broke just at the thought of it.
"Nick...Why?" I had barely managed to get out.
"Everyone is telling me I am bi-polar and that I should see and doctor. I know I am not! They always accuse me!! ALWAYS!! My parents say I should act more like Joe and Kevin. Even though I love them dearly I don't want to be like them. I want to be myself. They also tell me you are too good for me! I love you!! I feel like I am loosing you! I probably have now!! Stupid me!! Stupid *CENSORED* me!!" Nick sobbed. I tighted my grip around him.
"Nick,don't let anyone tell you I don't love you. Look at me. I will always love you. I don't think your bi-polar,that you need to be like your brothers,or that I am too good for you. I most definitly won't dump you for this. That would make it worse on both of us. Nick,all you have to do is one thing when people say those kind of things to you." I said trying to keep my sobs at bay.
"What?" Nick said calming down just enough for me to understand what he was saying.
"I'll always love you,Nicky." I smiled slightly as I said it. "I'll always love you."
So that is what happend. I got off memory lane when I felt Nick stoping next to me. He looked at my house in deep thought. I tightend the grip on his hand. I smiled slightly at the loving gaze he gave me. We continued walking. I let out a sigh of relief. Nick looked down at me and smiled.
"To Our Spot??" he asked slightly bumping into me as we walked past his house.
"Wouldn't say no for the world." I replied kissing him softly on the lips.
"You know why I kept walking?" Nick asked looking out at the mountains like I had minutes before.
"Why?" I said looking up at him.
"I wanted you to know that I remembered." Nick said kissing the top of my head.
"Remembered what?" I asked.
"That you will always love me and I can share my hardest moments with you. And you know what?" Nick said.
"What?" I said a small smile breaking through my serious expression.
"I'll love you longer." Nick said wrapping his arms around me. He leaned in and kissed me making his point clearly. I smiled,wrapped my arms around his shoulders,and making sure I made my point too.
