and here it is. the long awaited fanfiction by JT Cinnamon. well i guess it's alright. tell me what you think!
Dark grey clouds were hanging low over the sky when I closed the blinds. It was going to be a rainy night and I wasn’t too sure if I could handle it again. The cold, that is. Whenever it was cold I remember I would take Nick’s socks and wear them. For some reason he didn’t like it but I did it anyway, even though I always had more than one pair of fresh socks in my suitcase. Reminiscing on the past wouldn’t help though, it never did. Thinking about what could’ve been and why we had to stop… it sometimes didn’t make any sense. But we had to.
“Dad…” Julian said. “It’s cold…”
I turned around to see my four year old son curl up in his bed. “I know Juju… I know,” was all I could say. He started to tremble so I picked him up and snuggled into bed with him. He was still shaking, rather uncontrollably. “If the heart is always searching… can you ever find a home…” I started to sing. “I’ve been looking for that someone I’ll never make it on my own…” Julian finally began to lay still, his breathing back to normal. “There you go buddy.” I said, rubbing his small back. I decided to stay with him for a little longer, until his breathing became labored and sleep fell over him.
Singing the song reminded me of Nick, the night of our last concert. He didn’t want to sing anymore. He made it very clear. And Kevin would never be the same again. “I just don’t want to sing anymore Joe!” I heard his voice clearly this time. The rain fell onto Juju’s window, like it did that night onto us. “Look what it did to Kevin! I don’t want that to happen to you OR to me!” He yelled, blinking his eyes against the rain. I let him go that night but I shouldn’t have. I should’ve gone after him. I should’ve promised him that I wouldn’t change. I didn’t want to admit it but I did change. All too much.
“Daddy you’re cold.” Julian’s voice interrupted my thoughts. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. His blue eyes were piercing, just like his mother’s. But I wouldn’t see her ever again.
“It’ll be alright.” I sighed, looking at Julian. “You should get some sleep mister. You have a big day tomorrow.” I felt Julian shiver. “Don’t be scared, you know I can stay with you if you want.”
Julian shook his head. “I’m a big boy.”
“You sure are.” I smiled and tapped his nose. “Now you should really get some sleep. I want to go over some things with you before your first day.” Julian nodded his head and blinked his eyes slowly before closing them fully. I pushed some of Julian’s dark curls out of the way before kissing him on the forehead. He really was the only good thing left in my life. “Goodnight Juju.” I whispered.
“Goodnight daddy.” He whispered back. I couldn’t help but smile again. I swung my legs off to the side and onto the floor, sitting on Julian’s bed. It had been a while since I’ve slept with Julian but he insisted that he was a big boy. He even insisted in having his own room and that he wasn’t scared of any monsters because he knew that I’d always be there for him. To know that Julian already trusted me so much at such a young age meant he had a bright future ahead of him.
“Uncle Nick?” Julian said. I turned to look at Juju but he was still asleep. Maybe I was imagining it. But it sounded like he had said it. “Uncle Nick, no.” Julian turned around in his sleep, dragging along the blanket that covered him. “NO!” He screamed, tossing himself around as if he were wrestling something.
“Juju!” I lightly patted him on the cheek, trying to wake him up. “Juju it’s daddy, wake up baby.” I tried to hold him down but he was still fighting. He strained his neck so much that it looked like it was going to snap off of his body. He started to cry and I saw tears run down his cheek. That’s when I grabbed him and held him into me. “Juju it’s ok, daddy’s here.” I didn’t know if he woke up or not but he started to cry louder now, as if he were awake.
“Daddy…” He cried to me. “The rain… make it stop.” I tried to listen to it, to the rain. “It’s too loud.” He cried again. I covered his ears and listened. Juju was right. The rain was pounding against his window, the roof, it even sounded like it was in the empty hall outside. It seemed to have taken over the room. The sound of the rain wasn’t comforting to either of us. With it were pain, anger and bad memories.
“I’m sorry Juju.” I whispered. “I won’t let this happen again.” I knew what it was and it was my fault. “I think you should sleep with me tonight.” Julian quietly sobbed into my shoulder as I carried him into my room. I said a quick prayer and hoped it would be enough, just at least for tonight, if not for the both of us then just for Julian. He didn’t need to know what it was like. He was just a kid. Who was I to force him to share my responsibility? I prayed everyday that he wasn’t like me or my brothers for that fact. I wanted him to live a normal life, not the life of a superstar. Not the life of a murderer.
In the morning when I woke up, Juju wasn’t in bed with me. “Juju?” I rolled around to see where he was. “Buddy?” I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. There was still no sign of him. I knew he couldn’t have left, he knows better than to do that. I checked the clock on the kitchen wall and it read 7:25. “Juju?” I said louder.
“Over here dad.” I heard him call. “I’m in the bathroom.” I walked back into the hallway and opened the bathroom door. There he was, standing on a stool, washing his hands.
“How are you feeling bud?” I walked in and rested my head on his tiny shoulder.
“Dad you weigh a lot.” I laughed and rested my head on the sink instead.
“Are you ready for school?” He turned the water off and jumped down from the stool he was standing on.
“Yup.” He beamed. “I’m gonna make new friends today.” He grabbed a hold of two of my fingers and dragged me outside. I quickly switched the lights off in the bathroom with my free hand before leaving. He led me to the kitchen and sat down in a chair at our small round table. It was clear he wanted breakfast.
“What do you want this morning?” I asked him. He looked up and to the right as if he were thinking hard.
“Eggs.” He smiled. “And bacon too!”
I shook my head. “You’re starting to sound like…” I was going to say something but I decided against it.
“Uncle Nick?” He finished my question.
“Juju you don’t have any uncles named Nick, only Uncle Kevin and Uncle Frank.” I turned around to get his breakfast ready. I didn’t know how he knew who Nick was. Maybe I did go overboard yesterday.
“But I saw him yesterday!” He tried to protest. “He was sitting next to you and then he…”
“Juju I don’t want to hear it. You don’t have any uncles named Nick, ok?” I shook my head, if he wouldn’t drop it I’d have to lie even more. I didn’t want to do that.
“Ok daddy but he was there, I saw him.” Juju started to tap on the table while I cracked open some eggs. The sizzling noise didn’t bring any horrible memories back but hearing Juju’s humming noise did.
“Juju what are you singing?” I turned around to look at him as he continued to tap the table and hum. “Juju, I never taught you that song why are you singing it.”
“Uncle Nick taught it to me.” I was starting to get tired of hearing Juju talk about Nick, maybe it was time I got to the bottom of this, even if it meant going back to the past and dealing with it. As long as I didn’t sing any songs, Juju would be fine.
“You have to tell me later about Uncle Nick.” I said to him, putting his eggs onto a plate. “I want to know what he said to you.”
“He’s boring.” Juju said immediately. “But I like him.” I unexpectedly smiled but wiped it away as I opened the fridge to get out some bacon. “Dad are you almost done?”
“Almost.” I said, throwing the bacon onto the empty skillet. “Just another couple of minutes, ok?” Juju didn’t respond but I guessed from that that he agreed. After the bacon was done, I set it onto the plate and brought it over to him.
“Breakfast is served.” I smiled.
“Thanks dad.” He said as he closed his eyes. I taught him to pray as much as I could, I knew that religion was an important part of life for me as I grew up. I didn’t want him to miss out on it either. For a while his eyes were closed but I knew he was praying, I could tell by the way his eyelids twitched every now and then. I watched him as he did so and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. After he opened his eyes he saw I was looking straight at him. He giggled a little and then started to eat. “Daddy you look funny when you look at me like that.”
I smiled and then tapped him on the nose. “Don’t ever stop telling the truth. It’s something I wish I could do every day.” I got up to get myself some breakfast. I looked over in our pantry full of cereal and decided to eat some Corn Pops. They reminded me a lot of my brothers but they were the only things that I ever really liked after the incident. After the last concert.
I sat down with a bowl of them and Juju looked over at me with his mouth full. He looked like a squirrel with nuts in its mouth. I let out a laugh as I scooped up some cereal and put it into my mouth. “So tell me.” I said with my mouth half full. “What did Uncle Nick say to you?”
“He couldn’t.” Juju looked up at me. “He said he wanted to but he couldn’t.”
“When was this?” I asked him. “Was it when you were in your room, when the rain was falling?”
“No.” He answered. “It was in your room.”
His answer was a bit shocking. To hear that Nick came to him in my room was a bit scary. “What happened in your room then…?” I asked slowly.
“Nothing.” He answered immediately. “Nothing happened.” It seemed that he didn’t want to talk about it, at least not now.
“You don’t have to be scared Juju, I won’t let Uncle Nick hurt you.” The way that he hurt some people. “As long as I’m here, nothing will happen.” I knew that Nick was the most powerful out of all of us but I would give my life up for Juju. I’d go to hell even if I had to, to save him.
Only Nick knew how to control it. Kevin and I had a hard time. That’s why he wanted to stop. He didn’t want to be the one to warn us, the one to tell us to stop. Sometimes, we didn’t listen.
“Juju when you go to school.” I paused for a while, looking at his innocent eyes. “Promise me you won’t sing.” Juju just looked at me for a while, contemplating his answer. I knew how much he loved music and I knew how talented he was, even more so than me and my brothers combined. But I couldn’t risk it.
“I’ll try not to.” He said, finishing the last of what was left on his plate. “All done!” He smiled and pushed his plate over to me.
“Alright go brush your teeth. I’ll be over in a bit to give you a bath before school starts. You want to look good for all the pretty girls right?”
“Ew girls.” He frowned. “They have cooties you know, Jake told me so.” I smiled and messed with his dark curly hair. “Ah, dad stop.” He said, trying to push my hand away. I gave up after a couple of seconds and he ran straight for the bathroom.
I knew his first day at school would be difficult. It’d be the first time he was around so many people. I just prayed that he wouldn’t hurt anyone. The way I hurt so many people.