JOVINWARNING
The three boys ran down a dark hallway, not stopping to look behind them. They entered a large room with a wooden door and immediately shut and locked it. There was a window in the wall about five feet up, and without hesitation, Joe and Kevin lifted Nick in to the air. He kicked the window open and his brothers pushed him through, out in to the dark. They heard their attackers kicking at the door and they knew that there wasn’t much time. “Kevin, you’re next,” Joe said, preparing to hoist his older brother up towards the window.
“No,” Kevin shook his head. “I know the deal, one of us isn’t gonna make it, and it’s gonna be me. You’re going, I’m older, I’m in charge, and that’s how it’s happening.”
“Go,” Joe said. He pulled a handgun out of the waistband of his pants and removed safety. “Or I will shoot you.” He pointed the gun at Kevin’s head and looked at him with determination.
“You’re gonna have to shoot me then,” Kevin said resolutely. “Because I’m not leaving without you.” The door cracked and Joe looked up to Nick. “Nick, RUN!” Kevin shouted.
“I don’t think that I can leave you guys!” Nick looked panicked.
“GO NICK!” Joe turned the gun to Nick, who bit his bottom lip.
“I’ll come back for you,” Nick promised before he turned and disappeared in to the night. Joe reached out and took Kevin’s hand.
“I’ll protect you,” he whispered as the door burst open. “I promise.” Three men ran in to the room and Joe pointed his gun at them. Three guns responded by pointing at Kevin.
“Drop the gun or we’ll shoot him.” Joe immediately dropped the gun and kicked it over to them, he wasn’t about to risk Kevin’s life. Joe pushed Kevin behind him, though he knew that it wouldn’t do any good. The men grabbed Joe and Kevin and dragged them from the room that they were in to another one that had no windows and no lights, just four stone walls and a cement floor. They threw the boys to the ground and shut the door, leaving them in complete darkness.
“Joe, are you alright?” Kevin groped around in the dark, trying to find his brother.
“I’m fine, you?”
“I’m alright.” He nodded, though he knew Joe couldn’t see him. “Where are you?” Kevin asked.
“Don’t move, I’ll find you.” Joe crawled towards Kevin’s voice and his hands found the older boy. He pulled Kevin in to a loving embrace. “You’re scared,” Joe stated, he could feel Kevin’s muscles tense up. “Don’t be, I’ve got you.”
“You can’t keep me safe,” Kevin shuddered. “They have guns, we’re at their mercy.” Joe sighed, he knew that Kevin was right.
“But I can hold you and tell you that I love you.” Joe kissed Kevin softly on the forehead.
“No matter what happens here Joe, I’ll always love you.” Kevin snuggled in to Joe’s embrace, suddenly freezing cold.
“I know Kevin, I know…and you heard what Nick said, he’ll come back for us.” Joe’s left hand stroked Kevin’s curls. Kevin rested in Joe’s lap for almost an hour before the door opened. Their eyes were met with a large, bright flashlight and Kevin squinted before he and Joe separated. A dark haired man tossed a switchblade at Joe.
“Cut his shirt off.” He gestured at Kevin.
“What?” Joe looked was confused.
“Cut his shirt off with the knife, do it.” The man pulled the hammer back on the gun and Joe looked at Kevin. Kevin nodded, he wasn’t about to let Joe get shot over something like this. Joe sighed and took the knife in his hands. He put it to the neck of Kevin’s shirt and began to cut the fabric. He finished and the shirt hung open over Kevin’s chest. “Now push it off of him.” Joe shuddered and pushed the shirt off of Kevin’s shoulders. “Good, now cut him, draw blood.”
“No.” Joe shook his head. Kevin’s body was beautiful and he didn’t want to scar it.
“Do it!” A tall red haired man standing next to the dark haired man looked menacingly at them.
“I’m sorry, but I’d rather die than hurt him.” Joe clenched his teeth.
“We could arrange that.” The dark haired man looked ready to fire the gun.
“No!” Kevin shouted. “Joe, just do it, alright? It won’t hurt if I know that you’re not hurting me because you want to.”
“Kevin, I don’t think I can do it.”
“You have to!” Kevin looked at him pleadingly. “I don’t want them to kill you Joe,” he whispered.
“Oh god…” Joe looked terrified as he took the knife and made a shallow cut in Kevin’s side, drawing just a little bit of blood. Kevin tried hard not to wince, he didn’t want Joe to know that it hurt.
“Good,” The red haired man grinned. “Now lick up the blood.”
“That’s disgusting,” Joe sighed as he put his tongue to Kevin’s flesh and licked up his brother’s oozing blood. The metallic taste filled his mouth as Kevin shuddered. Joe felt like crying, but he wanted to stay strong for Kevin.
“Excellent.” A third man, bald, laughed maniacally. “Cut him again.”
“Please, no!” Joe shook his head.
“Joe,” Kevin grabbed Joe’s hand. “Joe just cut me, I told you, it doesn’t hurt.”
“I can tell that it does,” Joe whispered as he cut a line in to Kevin’s shoulder, intentionally trying to choose places that wouldn’t hurt as much. He grimaced as they instructed him to suck Kevin’s blood yet again. This was truly sick and he knew it.
“Give the knife to your brother,” the redhead instructed. Joe did as he said and the gun moved so that it was pointing at Kevin. Before Kevin had the chance to cut Joe’s shirt, Joe had pulled it off.
“Get it over with,” he said. Kevin shuddered as he placed the tip of the blade to Joe’s chest. He cut a small mark and pulled the knife away, he couldn’t do it, it was too hard.
“CUT HIM!” They ordered.
“I can’t!” Kevin began to cry. “I’M NOT SICK LIKE YOU! I CAN’T HURT HIM!”
“He hurt you,” the bald man said. “Don’t you want to get revenge?”
“NO! You made him hurt me, he didn’t want to.” Tears of anger rolled down Kevin’s cheeks. They turned the gun so that it pointed at Joe.
“Cut him or we’ll kill him….painfully.”
“Oh god…” Kevin closed his eyes and pressed the knife back to Joe’s flesh. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he cut in to Joe’s stomach. Joe bit down on his tongue to keep from crying out in pain, the knife hurt and the fact that they were making Kevin do this hurt even more.
“Kill him,” the dark haired man said. “Stab him in the throat.”
“No.” Kevin shook his head. “There is no way in hell that I would ever end his life.” Kevin stood up and threw the knife to the ground. “I care about him and I will not be the one to do that.”
“Then you’re ending your own.” The man pulled the trigger and Kevin let out a yelp of pain and fell to the ground, writhing in agony.
“KEVIN!” Joe screamed. He tried to move to his brother, but the men pulled him away. He fought wildly to get to Kevin’s body, to stop the bleeding. He couldn’t tell where Kevin had been hit. “KEVIN HANG ON!” Joe yelled as they pulled him from the room. “I’ll get back to you I swear!” They yanked Joe out the door and slammed it shut, locking Kevin inside alone.
“Take your pants off,” the bald man instructed. “Now.”
“You’re sick.” Joe was crying. He was terrified that Kevin was dead. The bald man put a knife to his throat and Joe didn’t do anything to stop him. He would do whatever they wanted him to just so that he could get back to Kevin…or Kevin’s body. Joe squeezed his eyes shut as the bald man began to do horrible things to him. He began to scream in pain but he didn’t fight it, he couldn’t, not if he wanted to get back to Kevin. He cried and screamed uncontrollably, knowing that he was probably only feeding their fire, but he couldn’t help it. No matter what happens here Joe, I’ll always love you. Kevin’s words rang through Joe’s mind as he was raped. It seemed like forever before the man pulled out of him. Joe took a deep breath and gingerly pulled his pants back up. He was sore and he hurt in places that he’d never thought could hurt him so badly. The men dragged him back to the room and threw him to the ground. As the door shut, Joe dragged himself across the room until he found Kevin’s body in the dark. “Kevin,” he whispered, turning over the body. “Kevin, can you hear me? I need you…I won’t live without you.”
“I’m here Joe, don’t worry.” Kevin sighed. “They just got me in the shoulder, I’m alright.”
“Thank god…” Joe let out a deep sigh. “Here,” he fumbled around in the dark and found Kevin’s torn shirt. He ripped it in to a few strips and blindly bandaged Kevin’s injury.
“Thank you,” Kevin whispered.
“don’t mention it,” Joe kissed Kevin, his lips trembling as he did so.
“Joe, what did they do to you…?” Kevin was hesitant, but he had to ask the question, he had to know.
“Nothing,” Joe shook his head, he didn’t want to tell Kevin what had happened. He was determined not to let Kevin be alone with the men, they would have to kill him before he let them hurt Kevin the way they had hurt him.
“Joey, tell me.” Kevin kissed Joe’s cheek lightly.
“No, I don’t want to.” Joe shuddered.
“Joey, did they…did they violate you?” Kevin knew, he could always tell when something was wrong with Joe.
“N-” Joe thought about lying, but sighed. “Yes…”
“Oh Joey…” Kevin wrapped his arms around Joe and held him. “Joey I love you.”
“I know, that’s what kept me going while they…” Joe trailed off. “I had to get back to you because I knew that you’d hold me and make it alright.”
“It’s not alright.” Kevin pulled Joe closer despite his wounded shoulder. “You were pure Joe, no one should be allowed to steal that from you.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Joe shrugged. “I’m with you now, nothing else matters.” Joe kissed Kevin again. Both of them were too weak to be too passionate, but they could both feel the love in the kiss.
“They’re coming back,” Kevin whispered as they heard the door unlocking.
“Oh no…” Joe shook. He was worried that they were going to see Kevin alive and take him, do the same horrible things to him. Kevin was Joe’s pressure point, his weakness. The only thing that could break him was Kevin’s pain.
“It’s ok.” Kevin tried to comfort Joe, but he was just as terrified. The door opened and the red haired man entered first, pointing his gun at Kevin.
“Stand up,” the bald man said. Kevin and Joe both got to their feet. “Now *CENSORED* him.”
“What?” Kevin looked at them in disbelief.
“Put your dick in him and push, hard,” the bald man elaborated.
“I can’t do that to him, you’ve done enough to him already!” Kevin looked angrily at the men.
“*CENSORED* HIM!” the bald man yelled.
“NEVER!” the red haired man struck Kevin in the side of the head with the butt of the gun and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
“Alright, the task falls to you.” The bald man looked to Joe, who had fallen to his knees beside his brother.
“W-what?” Joe asked shakily.
“Whip it out and stick it in him!” The dark haired man ordered.
“He’s unconscious!” Joe protested. “That’s sick!”
“He’s weak boy,” the bald man said. “It would be so easy to just kill him…if you want to save him, you’ll do this.”
“How can you be so heartless?” Joe looked at the men, tears in his eyes as he slowly began to unzip his jeans.
“Just shut up and do as you’re told.” Joe pulled his pants down before grabbing Kevin gently and pulling the unconscious boy to his feet. His body was limp, as though he was nothing more then a rag doll…a rag doll that was about to be torn to shreds. He wrapped his arms around Kevin’s chest and squeezed his eyes shut as he entered his brother as gently as possible.
“I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered. No matter what happens here Joe, I’ll always love you. Kevin’s words again reverberated in Joe’s mind. You wouldn’t still love me if you knew what I was doing to you, if you were awake. Joe began to cry harder as he was forced to continue. This was his breaking point, the robbery of Kevin’s chastity. It was too much for him to handle. After only a minute or so Joe pulled out and collapsed to the floor in a mess of sobs. He held Kevin in his arms. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over again. “I’m so, so, so sorry baby.” The men left them, satisfied to a certain extent by Joe’s performance. “I love you, I’m so sorry that I did that to you.” Joe pulled Kevin’s pants back on and then his own before kissing Kevin, not caring that the older boy was still unconscious. Joe held Kevin, crying over his body until he fell asleep, completely drained of energy. He was awoken by the sounds of the door opening and his grip on Kevin’s body automatically tightened. He looked up, prepared to see the cold, hard, merciless eyes of one of the men preparing to tell him to do something sinister to Kevin, but his eyes met with a soft, caring gaze. “Nick!” Joe cried.
“I told you I’d come back for you.” Nick looked sadly at Joe. “I’m just sorry that it took me so long.”
“Nick you look like an angel.” Joe breathed.
“Come on.” He looked at Joe, a kindness in his eyes that Joe had longed to see. Joe stood up, holding Kevin in his arms. “Is he…” Nick asked, gulping nervously.
“No,” Joe shook his head. “They knocked him out, but he’s going to need a doctor…” Joe followed Nick out in to the hallway where several fellow agents were waiting. One of them went to take Kevin from Joe, but Joe pulled away. “I need him,” Joe whispered.
“I know.” Nick patted Joe’s back gently as they walked through the large building towards the agency vans.
“LET GO OF ME! DON’T TOUCH ME!” Kevin jerked awake and started flailing. Joe almost dropped him, but Nick helped to steady him. Kevin’s eyes shot open and he looked panicked, terrified. “WHO ARE YOU?” He pulled away from Joe and fell to the ground, scooting away from the two boys.
“Kevin, it’s me, Joe.” Joe knelt to the ground and tried to take Kevin’s hand, but Kevin pulled it away.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU! GET BACK!” His arms flailed, trying to keep the boys away.
“KEVIN!” Tears began to roll down Joe’s cheeks.. “KEVIN IT’S ME, IT’S JOEY, YOUR JOEY!”
“I DON’T KNOW YOU!” He screamed again. “DON’T HURT ME!”
“I would never hurt you,” Joe’s voice was filled with melancholy, he never wanted Kevin to think that he would hurt him. “I love you Kevin.”
“NO!” Kevin shook his head. “YOU WANT TO RAPE ME! YOU WANT TO KILL ME!” Two of the other agents rushed over to Kevin and grabbed him. One of them pinned him down while the other injected him with a sedative. Kevin’s body immediately calmed and his eyes drooped shut.
“Oh god…” Joe turned to Nick and the younger boy pulled him in to an embrace. Joe cried in to Nick’s shoulder. The man that he loved was terrified of him. Joe burrowed his head in to Nick’s shoulder.
“Joe, it’s gonna be alright, he’ll be better when he wakes up.”
“What if he’s not?” Joe’s voice was full of terror. What would happen when they ran Kevin’s rape kit and found my fluids inside of him? Thoughts and fears filled Joe’s head.
“He will be,” Nick rubbed Joe’s back. Maybe it would be better just to tell him now and get it over with…Joe thought.
“Nick,” Joe took a deep breath. “He has good reason to be afraid of me, they made me cut him, they made me lick his blood and…” Joe shuddered at the memory. “They…they made me rape him.” Joe’s tears fell harder. “I didn’t want to do it! They forced me, they said that they would kill me if I didn’t!”
“Of course you didn’t want to,” Nick held Joe close. “That’s a horrible thing to make you do, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was, I should have insisted that he *CENSORED* me, that’s what they wanted initially, but he wouldn’t do it so they hit him and made me take him while he was unconscious.” Joe shivered as Nick walked him towards a van. Kevin had been taken to the hospital already. “I ruined him Nick, I took away his chance for a good first time.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Nick said again. “Come on, rest.” Nick forced Joe’s head on to his shoulder. Joe didn’t have the resolve to fight Nick, not right now. They drove to the same hospital that Kevin was at and ran a bunch of tests on Joe. They knew now, they knew what had happened to him, but more devastatingly they knew what he had been forced to do to Kevin. As a result of their knowledge, they wouldn’t let Joe see Kevin with the rest of the family; they feared that the sight of Joe might upset him.
“Joseph,” a doctor walked to where Joe was sitting, waiting outside of the room Kevin was in. “You can see him now…but I’m gonna warm you, between his injuries and mental trauma, he’s blocked a lot of things from his mind. They’re in his head but he’s refusing to access them.”
“Alright.” Joe nodded. “I can take that.”
“Joseph, you’re one of those things.” The man took a deep breath.”
“What do you mean?” Joe’s voice was shaky.
“He has absolutely no idea who you are.”
“WHAT?” Joe’s heart split in two. “How can you block out 18 years of living with someone?”
“Well, when you-”
“IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!” Joe snapped.
“Alright, sit down, cool off, then you can go see your brother.”
“You said I could see him now!”
“That was before you got all worked up.” The doctor folded his arms across his chest.
“I have to see him!”
“Not right now.”
“*CENSORED* YOU!” Joe hauled back and punched the doctor, who then responded by radioing security. They grabbed Joe and pulled him away. He fought desperately to get away he wanted to see Kevin. The doctor disappeared, returning a second later with a syringe. He jabbed it in to Joe’s arm and the boy felt himself slipping from consciousness. When he woke up he was lying in a bed, Nick standing over him.
“Hey,” Nick said as Joe opened his eyes. “Welcome back.”
“What happened?” Joe asked.
“You punched Kevin’s doctor…”
“I did, didn’t I.” Joe didn’t seem at all regretful as he pulled himself out of the bed.
“Where are you going?” Nick asked.
“To see Kevin, don’t try to stop me.”
“I won’t.” Nick watched as Joe walked away. Joe’s heart pounded as he reached Kevin’s private room. He wanted to see Kevin, but he was afraid. He pushed open the door slowly and took a deep breath.
“Hi Kevin,” he walked towards the bed. He longed to reach out and touch the older boy, but he knew that he couldn’t.
“Who are you?” Kevin looked at Joe, his usually soft hazel eyes riddled with confusion and fear.
“I’m your-I’m Joe.” He sighed.
“I don’t know you, stay back!” Kevin sat up and moved his arms in front of him, ready to defend himself if need be. Joe sighed sadly. “Who are you?” Kevin asked again.
“Kevin…” Joe sat down in a chair, but he made sure to stay a good distance from the bed. “Kevin, I’m your brother, Joe.”
“I don’t have a brother named Joe,” Kevin shook his head and looked at Joe suspiciously. “My brothers are Nick and Frankie, what do you want from me?” The look of sheer paranoia on Kevin’s face made Joe’s heart shatter all over again.
“Nothing.” Joe looked away. I just want you to be ok again.”
“Why do you care? I DON’T KNOW YOU!”
“Maybe not anymore,” Joe sighed. “But you used to, we used to be close.” Joe spoke the last five words to himself.
“Please leave,” Kevin stated. “You’re making me nervous.”
“Alright.” Joe turned to leave, he didn’t want to cause Kevin any additional discomfort. No matter what happens here Joe, I’ll always love you. Kevin’s words visited Joe’s mind yet again. Maybe somewhere deep down those words are still true. Joe walked away and rain almost immediately in to Nick.
“How did it go?”
“He’s afraid of me.” A single tear rolled down Joe’s cheek.
“I’m sorry,” Nick looked genuinely apologetic.
“He asked me to leave!” Joe looked at Nick, hurt filling his eyes. “He told me I was making him nervous!”
“I’m so sorry.” Nick didn’t know what else to say, so he pulled Joe in to his arms. Joe didn’t return the embrace, but he didn’t pull away.
“I wanna go home,” Joe whispered.
“Alright, I’ll go find dad.” Nick left Joe and convinced their father to drive Joe home.
“Are you gonna be alright alone?” his father asked as he stopped the car outside of their house.
“I need to be alone for a bit,” Joe said, nodding.
“Alright.” His father ruffled his hair. “You were really brave Joseph, I’m proud of you.”
“I should have protected him,” Joe argued. “They broke him and I feel like I could have stopped it, I know I could have.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, you were really strong, if you hadn’t been there with him he would have been a lot worse off.” Mr. Jonas smiled gently at Joe.
“Whatever.” Joe shrugged and walked in to the house. He sighed deeply and leaned against the door with his eyes closed tightly. Stay strong Joe, Kevin still needs you…just not in the same way that you need him. Joe walked upstairs, but instead of going to his room, he went to Kevin’s. He got on his hands and knees and reached underneath Kevin’s bed. He pulled out a brown and black converse shoe box. He stood up and left the room, taking the box with him. When he got back to his room he pulled an identical box from beneath his own bed. He sighed and opened both boxes. The first thing that he pulled out from Kevin’s box was a note that Joe had slipped him a few days ago.
Kevin,
I love you…so much. Love, Joe
The next thing that he pulled out were two photos on the same strip of paper; they had been taken in a curtained photo booth a little over a month ago. The first picture was of Kevin kissing Joe on the cheek. Joe had a goofy grin on his face, but his eyes were full of love. The next picture was of Kevin and Joe kissing, both boys had their eyes closed. It was obvious that the kiss was deep even though all that could be seen were the sides of their faces. Joe sighed and reached in to his own box. He had the second two photos, which had been torn from the strip. The first picture that Joe had was just like Kevin’s second one and Joe’s second was a picture of him with his arm around Kevin, kissing him on the jaw. Kevin wore a soft smile and he was looking off to the side at Joe as though there was no one else in the world. A lump caught in Joe’s throat as he looked at the pictures and a tear fell on to one of them, staining it slightly. Joe took all four pictures and tucked them away in a back compartment of his wallet.
Next, Joe pulled a note from his own box from Kevin. He looked at it sadly, reading Kevin’s declaration of eternal love again and again and again. He continued to rifle through the boxes, reading notes, poems, secret song lyrics and looking at stolen pictures from secret moments and drawings, stick figure cartoons by Joe and fairly decent sketches by Kevin. Each thing that he looked at only made him want to cry harder.
Dear Joe,
I’m sorry about today, I trust you, I really do…the choice that I made regarding the mission had nothing to do with that. If it was just me I would have followed you to the end, but I was worried about Nick’s life too. The mission was just to dangerous to go through with, we weren’t prepared the way we should have been and things changed. I made the decision to back out based on the likelihood of a serious or fatal injury and it was just too high. I have no doubt that you could have protected me, you always will, and I have complete faith that you would have succeeded the mission, but success wasn’t worth any of our lives. Please, stop being angry with me, I hate fighting with you. I love you, even if you hate me right now. –Kevin
P.S. I trust you with my heart so lord knows I trust you with my life.
The letter made Joe shudder, it was just a reminder of Kevin’s misplaced faith in him. He picked it up and walked over to his desk, where he grabbed a lighter. He lit the piece of lined paper on fire and held it over his trash can while it burned, dropping it in just before the flames reached his fingers. He went back to the boxes, a notebook and pen in his hand. He scribbled on to a piece of paper: I’m sorry Kevin. He tore the paper from the notebook, slid off his purity ring and placed it in the center of the paper. He then folded the paper around the ring and placed it in Kevin’s box. Joe closed both boxes and slid them under his bed before lying down on top his bed, still fully clothed, shoes and all. He was going to miss Kevin’s love more then anything in the world.
Kevin stayed in the hospital for two weeks – he couldn’t go home until he had been convinced that Joe was in fact his brother. The doctors and the rest of the family showed him videotapes and photographs, they told him stories and facts. They reminded Kevin over and over again of important events in his life that Joe had been pivotal in, for example the band. Kevin knew he was a Jonas Brother, he just didn’t know that Joe was as well. The day that they brought Kevin home, Joe wouldn’t leave his room. Kevin had been reminded that he loved Joe as a brother, but not that he had loved him as so much more. “Joe?” Nick knocked on his door.
“What?” Joe asked quietly. Nick entered the room.
“Kevin’s home,” Nick sat on the edge of Joe’s bed.
“I know.”
“Don’t you want to see him?” Nick put his hand on Joe’s shoulder.
“Not yet, I’m not ready, the last time I saw him he was scared of me.” Joe looked sadly at Nick.
“He’s not anymore.”
“What does he think of me?”
“He’s confused.” Nick sighed. “He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t remember you.”
“I don’t either to be honest,” Joe admitted.
“Well I’m gonna go talk to him…” Nick stood. “Just promise me one thing.” Nick looked intensely at Joe. “Don’t shut him out.”
“I won’t.” Joe sighed as nick left. Joe saw Kevin for the first time the next morning at breakfast. “Hey,” Joe said softly, not looking up.
“Hi,” Kevin replied. His voice was barely a whisper. Neither of them really knew what else to say; the awkwardness was only heightened by the rest of the family’s presence. Once the almost silent meal was over, they were left alone. Joe finally looked up at Kevin. The older boy’s once beautiful eyes had lost all of their life, they were empty and sad. Kevin held himself differently and he had lost weight that he couldn’t afford to lose.
“I’m sorry,” both boys said at once. They both fell silent.
“I-” Kevin started.
“No,” Joe shook his head. “I’m sorry for scaring you – you had every right to react the way you did.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you…” Kevin looked down. “I didn’t know better.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Joe sat on his hands. He wanted to reach out and touch Kevin’s cheek, tell him to smile, but he couldn’t, it would be too overwhelming for Kevin.
“I’m sorry that I don’t really remember you.”
“It’s not your fault.” Joe shrugged, he was wondering how Kevin could subconsciously discard 18 years of brotherhood…and a two year relationship. Two years of feelings…gone. Almost a year and a half of being in love…gone. Everything that they had gone in just a couple of hours of pain and torture.
“They told me that you were with me when I was shot…”
“I was.” Joe nodded. “I’m sorry, I tried to stop them, I really did.”
“It’s ok.” That was Kevin, forgiving and gentle. “They told me that you’re the only one who can give me answers about what happened.”
“I guess,” Joe shrugged, trying to be casual. He didn’t want to tell Kevin that he had raped him, but if he asked Joe knew that he wouldn’t life. There had been no secrets between them before and while there were hundreds, maybe thousands of them now, Joe didn’t want to increase that number.
“I uh…I don’t want answers.” Kevin said. “I don’t think that I want to know what happened.”
“Yeah, probably not.”
“Was it awful?”
“Yeah.” Joe nodded. “I wish I could forget it too.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Joe sighed, he couldn’t blame Kevin for anything.
“I know…I just feel like I abandoned you; you have the memories of both of our pain plus our past and all I have are birthdays, holidays, and some other things.” Kevin looked sad.
“No one blames you.” Joe sighed. This was the Kevin that he loved, the boy who cared about the feelings of everyone, even people that he hardly knew.
“I know.” Kevin nodded slowly.
“Ok.” They sat together in an awkward silence.
“I know that we used to be close,” Kevin said finally. “I saw videos…we used to get along really, really well. Maybe…maybe if you give me some time we could be close again?”
“Of course,” Joe nodded, glad that Kevin wanted to get to know him again. “Take all of the time that you need.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” Joe gave Kevin time and helped him through everything. He told Kevin stories and shared memories. Joe told Kevin everything over time except for what had been tugging most at him. One time, Joe had almost told Kevin that he was hung up on him, but he stopped himself, he couldn’t ruin all of the progress that he had made with Kevin. After awhile Joe had learned to accept that he and Kevin would never be together again; he accepted that his heart would be in pieces forever. Joe gained comfort in the fact that Kevin had learned to smile again, that he was gaining weight back, that he was returning to who he had been before. While there was no denying that he was scarred for life, the fact that he didn’t know what had scarred him made it easier to recover. After awhile, Joe could hug Kevin, but it was strictly brotherly.
Joe sat on his bed one night two and a half years after Kevin had returned home. He was 20 now, fully grown, still living at home, and plagued with a maturity forced upon him by his experiences. He was reading notes and letters from Kevin, the ones that he kept in the shoe boxes under his bed. He read them every night before he went to sleep. “Joe?” Kevin knocked on the door softly.
“One second!” Joe quickly shut the boxes and pushed them under the bed. “Come in.” He picked up a book and opened it, pretending to be reading as Kevin entered. “What’s up?”
“Explain this, I found it on my bed.” Kevin tossed Joe and envelope. Joe opened it and almost screamed. The pictures that he had been carrying in his wallet for almost three long years fell out of a folded up piece of paper. Joe unfolded the paper and began to read.
Dear Kevin,
I found these in Joe’s wallet…I don’t know what they are or what they mean, but I think that they may help you gain some of the closure that you need…don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone as long as you don’t tell Joe that I stole his credit card…well…actually I won’t tell anyone even if you do.
-Nick
P.S. If you do tell Joe that I took his card, tell him I’ll give it back once I buy mom’s birthday gift, I couldn’t find mine.
“Kevin…” Joe looked up at his brother. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“We were in love, weren’t we.” Kevin looked seriously at Joe. “I was the person from your past that you told me about, the one that you’re still suck on, that’s why you’ve been so reserved around me since I returned, so crushed.”
“Here.” Joe pulled the boxes out from under his bed and handed them to Kevin. “These have all of the answers that you need in them.” Kevin nodded and left the room, taking the boxes with him. He sat down on his bedroom floor and emptied the contents of both of them, putting each piece of paper and each object back in their respective boxes as he looked at them. Once he was finished, he went back to Joe’s room, leaving the boxes on his floor. He didn’t bother knocking.
“You waited for me,” Kevin stood, looking at Joe, tears filling his eyes. “Almost three years Joey, and you still waited.” Joey…it felt so good to hear Kevin calling me that again.
“I would have waited forever.” Joe stood and walked towards Kevin. “You’re worth it.”
“I’m so sorry…” Kevin couldn’t control his tears and they fell all over the place.
“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault.” Joe reached out and put his hand on Kevin’s cheek, brushing the older boy’s tears away with his thumb. Kevin bridged the gap between them, kissing Joe softly. “My god…” When Joe pulled away from Kevin he was crying too. “I’ve been waiting so long for that.”
“I have too, I just didn’t know it.” Kevin bit his bottom lip and took a deep breath. “Joe, I want you to make love to me.”
“No,” Joe replied automatically.
“Look, I know why you’re hesitating.” Kevin put his hand on Joe’s shoulder. “And it’s alright, I know, and I know that you wouldn’t have done it if you’d had a choice.”
“How did you-” Joe looked at Kevin, teary eyed and confused.
“Last year, when I thought of moving out I was separating my files from everybody else’s and I came across photocopies of the uh…the tests that were done right after we were held hostage…I saw what you’d done to me and I was terrified, furious, but I looked a little harder and I saw what they’d done to you and I knew that you didn’t have a choice.” Kevin looked lovingly at Joe.
“I’m so sorry,” Joe whispered.
“I know, I got your note.” Kevin held up his left hand. He had slipped Joe’s purity ring on his left ring finger. Joe’s soft tears didn’t cease though his lips curved in to a small smile.
“You’re wearing it,” Joe took Kevin’s hand and held it tightly.
“I’m never taking it off.” Kevin kissed Joe on the cheek tenderly. “Joey, I love you.” Joe felt his heart healing as Kevin spoke.
“Oh Kev, I love you too.” Joe wrapped his arms around Kevin and began kissing him passionately.
“So will you Joe?” Kevin asked, pulling away.
“Will I what?”
“Will you make love to me? I want to know what it feels like to be loved like that.” He sighed. “Loved by you.”
“What if you don’t like it?” Joe asked, looking at Kevin, biting his lip nervously.
“No matter what happens here Joe, I’ll always love you.”
