JOVINWARNING

It was wrong. I knew it was wrong but that didn’t stop the way my heart pounded whenever he walked into a room, the way my voice caught in my throat when he asked me something simple like “how are you?” I had to collect myself and make a joke, but I wasn’t good at that, jokes were his thing…that’s probably why I loved him. Yes, loved him. I can’t even say why, I mean he wasn’t gentle really…not with me at least. When I was down it was Nick who tried to comfort me, Joe just tried to make me laugh it off, but the thing is, that’s what I needed. I didn’t need Nick’s sympathy or kind words, I needed Joe’s joking tone, his smiling face, his slap on the back when something was wrong…but now I wanted more from him. I needed more from him and I was too stupid to realize it…until now. Now when I was sitting on my bed alone, trying to keep back tears. I couldn’t cry, not over something like this, I had to stay strong but it was hard. What kind of person falls in love with their brother? If anyone else were to have told me that they were in love with a sibling even a day ago I would scorned them, thought them a sinner, but now…now I was in with them and I didn’t know what to do. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it have been anyone else…anyone at all?

“Kevin?” There was a knock on my door. It was Nick. What could he possibly want now? I didn’t answer, I just wiped my eyes of the few tears that I had failed to keep inside. “Kevin can I come in?” I still didn’t reply. “Alright, well I’m coming in.” The door opened and Nick entered. “Jesus, Kevin are you alright? You look terrible!” I’m sure I did, I’d been up all night thinking this over.

“Nick, now’s not a good time for me, alright?” I spoke shakily, afraid that tears would come if I opened my mouth. Nick immediately came over to me and put his arm around me.

“Kevin, please, tell me what’s wrong, I want to help you!” I didn’t want him to help me.

“No, Nick just go away alright? This is my problem, I have to deal with it and I don’t want or need your help.” I couldn’t avoid snapping at him, he was just so…perfect at every little thing that I hated him sometimes. Joe wasn’t like that, Joe had flaws.

“I don’t like it when you’re upset Kev, it freaks me out.” Of course it did, I wasn’t supposed to get upset, I was supposed to be the oldest, the responsible one, he respected me, but god…I would lose all of that respect if he knew what I was thinking and feeling right now.

“Well I don’t care what you think Nick, I need to be left alone right now!” I yelled again, pushing him away from me so hard that he fell to my bedroom floor. Nick looked up at me, half shocked half hurt, I had never been violent towards him before. He picked himself up off the floor and ran from the room.

“JOE!” I heard him call. “JOE COME HERE! SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH KEVIN! LIKE SERIOUSLY WRONG!” Oh god. Joe was going to be in on this. I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, there was no way…it was so *CENSORED*ed up, I didn’t know what to do. I shut the door again, slamming it hard, but that didn’t stop Joe bursting through it a second later. He wasn’t wearing much, just pajama pants and he looked as though he’d just woken from bed, his hair tousled and his eyes sleepy. He shut the door softly behind him.

“Kev, what’s up?” He asked casually, unlike Nick’s soft, almost therapist imitating voice.

“Nothing, go away.” I turned away from him, I couldn’t look at him, even just out of bed he was gorgeous.

“Now what kind of brother would I be if I did that,” he said with a chuckle. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at me, keeping his distance the way he always did, he never got too close. “What is it? Teen angst? Love life? Problems with your body?” There he was…joking again…and it almost made me laugh except for the fact that it was all of thee above…

“Joe, just leave me alone, ok?” I snarled at him and glared, but he didn’t even flinch.

“Kevin you and I both know that’s not going to happen.” He shook his head. “I’ve never left you in less then good spirits, right?” Of course he was right, that’s why I loved him.

“Joe I don’t want your antics right now, GET OUT!”

“I don’t care if you want it or not Kev, you’re my brother and I’m not leaving until there’s a smile on that money making mug or yours.” He came closer and poked my cheek. I shivered at his touch and hoped to god that he didn’t notice. “You’re not gonna make me guess what’s wrong with you are you Kev?” Well I wasn’t going to tell him. “Fine…let’s see.” Joe pretended to be thinking for a moment. “Oh my god, Kevin did you start your period?” He asked the question with a straight face and any other day I would have burst out laughing, but not today.

“*CENSORED* off Joe, you’re not gonna get a smile out of me, alright? Not today.”

“Oh come on, just tell Uncle Joey what’s wrong…wait, check that, brother Joey…he’ll make everything ok again.” No he wouldn’t, he’d be disgusted if I told him.

“Joe stop it!”

“No Kevin, not until you just get over yourself and your problems, let’s see, if it’s not your period then what…” Joe tapped his chin with his index finger, again feigning contemplation. “Oh I’ve got it! You’re in love with a monkey and you can never be together because well…she’s a monkey…” that was close…sort of, but still not funny to me.

“GIVE IT A REST!” I yelled, narrowing my eyes at him. “I didn’t say that you could come in to my room and try to make me feel better! I DON’T WANT YOUR COMEDY ACT!” I turned away again.

“STOP ANGSTING ALREADY!” he bellowed. I looked up at him and saw that he looked angry almost, fuming slightly. This caught me off guard. “I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!” Was that a tear forming in the corner of his eye? How had he gone from joking to anger so quickly?

“If you just left me alone you wouldn’t have to deal with it!” I pointed out rather harshly.

“But you’d still be in pain and that’s enough to kill me!” He looked at me with those big, brown, now sad eyes and I melted. God…he was so beautiful, it stung to know that we were related.

“What are you talking about?” I looked at him. I thought I was the one in pain here, now he’s upset? What?

“Kev, you know I care about you and your pain is mine too…” he slowly sat down on the bed next to me, this was a side of him that I hadn’t seen of him before, not in 18 years of living with him. He slowly put his arm around me the way that Nick did, but it wasn’t the same, it didn’t make me feel like pushing him away, I just wanted to snuggle in to his embrace, but being this close to him might make me do something irrational. I pulled away.

“Joe, just leave me be alright? I just need to be alone right now.”

“Nick said you hurt him, you’ve never laid a finger on him before…I’m not leaving you alone, you’re a health risk, at least in my book you are.” I knew that he was trying to make me feel better, but his presence didn’t help anything.

“I pushed him off of the bed because he was bothering me, you would have done the same in my place.”

“I don’t know what you’re place is Kev, and I want to.” He sighed. “Come on, just tell me what’s eating at you that’s so horrible you’re actually crying.” *CENSORED*, he’d noticed my tears. “Tell me what’s getting to you, I want to help.” I wanted him to help too, but he couldn’t.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Kev, you’re gonna tell me because I’m not going to leave until you do…I’ll *CENSORED*ing starve myself if that’s what it takes, I’m not leaving this bed until you tell me what’s wrong.” Why was he so god *CENSORED*ed sweet?

“Joe, it’s not really something that I’m comfortable talking about, alright?” Despite what I wanted, I heard my voice soften.

“Kev, we’ve never had secrets from each other, I can handle anything that you have to tell me, what is it? Did you break your vow? Did you get someone pregnant?”

“No…” I shook my head, unsure of whether or not he was trying to be funny or not.

“Then what is it?” He sounded slightly frustrated, he genuinely wanted to know. “I’ll listen to anything that you have to say, you know that!”

“Joe, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking, ok? Just trust me…” I trailed off. I was afraid that if he didn’t leave soon I was actually going to tell him. Could I make something up to make him go away.

“Yes I do…”

“Fine, if you must know…I’m just really mad at Nick, he’s so perfect and it drives me nuts.” That was a lie…well it wasn’t, but that wasn’t what was bothering me.

“I already knew that,” Joe said. “I know you’re keeping something back Kevin, let it out, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me too.” His hand moved from my shoulder down to my back and he began to gently rub soothing circles through my thin sleeping shirt. God that touch…

“Joe, please go away…” My voice was shaky and I knew that I was losing control. If he didn’t leave soon…oh god, I didn’t want to think about it.

“Kev, I’ve told you my stand on all of this, I’m not going anywhere. “I’ll be here until I’m sure that you don’t need me anymore, and you’re far form hitting that point at the moment.”

“JOE! JUST GO BEFORE I DO SOMETHING STUPID! PLEASE!” I looked at him, begging him with my eyes.

“What do you mean?” he asked, clearly confused by my sudden outburst.

“Nothing, I don’t mean anything…” I trailed off.

“That didn’t sound like nothing Kevin…” he looked at me worriedly.

“Joe, go away, please, you’re driving me crazy!” Oh god, here it was, I was losing control. “You’re driving me insane in ways that no brother ever should! I just look at you and…and…” I trailed off. *CENSORED*. I had really dug myself in to a hole now…one that I probably couldn’t get out of.

“Kevin what are you talking about?” It was Joe’s turn to sound unstable, weak.

“N-nothing,” I stuttered.

“It’s not nothing, Kevin what did I do to you?”

“Nothing intentionally…” I let out a deep sigh. I couldn’t keep it in. *CENSORED*. “Joe…I love you.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t want to hear it, I needed to clarify first. “Not like a brother Joe, I love in the sense that I just want you to hold me, to kiss me…I’m in love with you.” I looked at him, trying to read his face for a response…there was nothing there. And then wait…was that? No…I squeezed my eyes shut and looked again. Yes…he was…smiling?

“Why didn’t you just say so?” He put his hand on my cheek and drew my face up to his. He looked in to my eyes, a kind, almost loving gaze lighting up his clear brown eyes.

“W-what?” I said shakily. He didn’t answer. Not with words. He drew my lips to his and pulled me in to a deep kiss full of the passion that I had so longed for…what was happening. I pulled away. “Joe…what are you doing? Are you just doing this to make me feel better?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Kevin, you’re beautiful, you’re perfect to me and…and I hated seeing you so upset, it solidified how I thought I felt about you and your words just now…they clinched it…Kevin I love you.”

“Y-you do?” Those words…they were so…so perfect! Joe just nodded and pulled me back in to the kiss.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked me, pulling away after what seemed like a blissful eternity. It was my turn to solely nod and smile slightly. “What should I tell Nick when he asks what was wrong?” Joe asked me, putting his arms around me and drawing me closer.

“Just tell him…” I grinned. “Just tell him that I got my period.” Joe chuckled and within seconds his lips were on mine again, kissing me senseless, and I loved it.