So, I'm in a weird sort of mood tonight, half really happy and half oddly depressed. Maybe because I got 2.5 hours of sleep last night. Anyway, "Sorry", JB's new song, is tearing me apart--whoever wrote it was so shattered. I had to write a songfic off of it, and after hearing the emotion in Nick's voice as he sang the 2nd verse, it had to be from his perspective. So... this is weirdly emotional and depressed. I feel very strange for posting it. But I needed to get back into writing new stuff now that I'm home from camp, and this is my first step towards that. Enjoy if you can!
Sorry
Dear One,
I don’t even know how to handle it anymore. It’s not the agony of losing you, it’s not the way I’m dying without you, it’s not how my whole world is weighed down by the darkness of you being gone. It’s the guilt. The excruciating, wrenching, heart-shredding guilt of what I did to you. It’s slowly killing me from the inside out. I can’t sleep at night. Mom sang to me last night just so I could close my eyes for a few hours. Baby, do you know how much it hurt me to hurt you? You couldn’t possibly. If you did… you couldn’t possibly survive with both of those wells of hurt inside you. I’m sure yours is hard enough to handle.
Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Help to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I'd be around
Building up the strength just to say
This isn’t something I’m used to doing. I’m not good at it. But I’ve felt so strongly that this was the right thing to do. I guess the bigger the crime, the harder it is to admit, and this one’s tough. I’ve been pacing for hours, jittering, trying and failing to stay occupied, and I’m finally at the end of resisting. It took me forever to get the courage, but here it is:
I'm Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn't around to keep
I'm Sorry
This time is the last time that I will ever beg you to stay.
But you’re already on your way.
I know I was stupid for the longest time and acted like I did nothing wrong. I made excuses--I was busy, I was famous, I was rich, you had to understand--but I was wrong. None of what happened changed the fact that I promised to be there for you, no matter what… and I ran out on that. I finally get it, I finally understand what it was I did. It wasn’t the frequency of the phone calls, was it? It was the time I didn’t respond when you called and left a voicemail in tears. It wasn’t about all the presents I bought you, it was about me not knowing what the one, simple, inexpensive gift you really wanted was. It wasn’t about the time I surprised you by visiting on your birthday, it was about the one time you really needed me that I refused to come.
Filled with sorrow, filled with pain
Knowing that I am to blame
For leaving your heart out in the rain
And I know your gonna walk away
And leave me with the price to pay
But before you go I wanted to say
You should hear me right now, girl. Alone in this tour bus for once, I’m screaming this at no one and it’s killing me that you aren’t around to hear it. Can you see the tearstains on this paper?
I'm Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn't around to keep
I'm Sorry
This time is the last time that I will ever beg you to stay.
But you're already on your way.
I couldn’t just stick this letter in the mail and let it get to you if it decided to make it. Knowing the way things have gone with you and me, it would get lost and never show up. So I’m bringing it to you. I’m not asking you to take me back, I know better than that, because I saw those tears on your face and the anger in your eyes. I know.
But please, baby, at least do this for me. If you’re going to reject me, if you won’t accept my apology--which I wouldn’t blame you for, it’s long overdue--if you can’t take it, then don’t say anything, just walk away. If you’re going to break my heart just like I deserve, then please, please, tell everything about you to stop haunting me. I can’t take living the rest of my life thinking about how I’m not with you anymore.
Can't make it alive on my own
But if you have to go, then please girl
Just leave me alone
Cause I don't want to see you and me going our separate ways.
I'm begging you to stay.
If it isn't to late
But if somewhere, deep down in your beautiful, broken heart, you find the grace and mercy to forgive me… I don’t know what to ask you to do. Tell me? Just thank me?
Maybe, maybe… stay with me? It’s up to you, my baby, my love. My heart is up to you. Please make a choice. My heart hangs in the balance.
I'm Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn't around to keep
I'm Sorry
This time is the last time that I will ever beg you to stay.
But you're already on your way.
I wish I was strong enough to do more than just pour out emotions on paper, and into a song. I wish I had the iron in me to just walk up to you, hold you, kiss you, and convince you that I get it now. But I don’t.
I love you, baby. I love you. I’m sorry.
Love and sorry always,
Nicholas Jonas
But you’re already on your way...
