It's not my best work. And I threw it together in the matter of an hour or so. So I'll understand if you don't like it.
But I just needed to vent out some unwanted feelings.
And then I figured, why not post it and let other people share the pain? Although I don't think I desribed it that well....
anyways.
I love the song. Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows
~Belles <3 [finds writing soothing]
Giving It All Away
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
I shouldn't be sitting here crying. I should be happy. Everything, absolutely everything, worked out just the way I planned it. Just the way it should. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not. Because he's not with me. He's with her. Which is how I wanted it to be. I had thought. Until it actually happened. And then I realized. That wasn't how I wanted it to be. Not at all.
They took all the trees, and put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
No, no, no, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot
I should've said no when she asked me for help. Should've made up an excuse. Instead I encouraged her. I prodded her. I did all the dirty work.
I remember the first time she told me she liked him. I had the weirdest feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, like this wasn't the way it should be. She shouldn't like him because, because.... she just couldn't. I didn't realize it then, but it was because I liked him. But I never acknowledged that little fact because I was too afraid to. And then later I continued to squelch it because it would be wrong to like my best friend's crush.
So I sucked it up and giggled along with her when she talked about how cute he was. I sighed when she mentioned the way he hugged her. I encouraged her when she wondered if he could ever like her. And then. I finally had to ask him. For her. Because I was her friend.
Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
I don't care about spots on my apples,
Leave me the birds and the bees – please
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Hey now, they've paved paradise to put up a parking lot
Why not?
I remember that conversation very distinctly. I remember how awkward it had been. It was never usually awkward between us. But that time it was. Maybe because I knew deep down how much this conversation affected not only my friend. But me too. If he said he'd like her, than I'd have to ignore my feelings even more and be happy for them. If he said he didn't, then I'd have to comfort her and we'd be back to square one. Me too afraid to admit my feelings for him.
I caught him during a party and pulled him out to the hallway. We could still hear the loud music, but it was somewhat quieter.
“Do you like anyone?” I blurted out as he munched on a chip.
I could tell I caught him off guard as he swallowed and said, “What?”
“Do you like anyone... here?” I added. Because my friend was here and she wanted me to find out if he liked her.
“Maybe.” He finally replied looking at me and then quickly stuffing another chip in his mouth.
“Maybe.” I repeated and then slid down the hallway wall until I was sitting.
He followed suit, except sat down a little bit more gracefully, still eating his chips.
I stared at him and he stared back. His eyes capturing mine and if I weren't such a good friend, if I were a little bit more courageous. I might've asked him if he liked me. If he could like me. But I was a good friend. And I wasn't courageous. So I didn't.
Instead I said, “Do you like Amy?” For Amy was the name of my friend.
He looked caught off guard as if he wasn't expecting that question.
So I decided to ease him into it and added, “as a friend. Do you like Amy, as a friend.”
He ate another chip and said, “Of course.”
I nodded my head. “But do you like like her?” I prodded, knowing Amy would want to know every little thing he said.
He ate another chip. And then another. And then he looked at me for only a second before staring at his shoes.
I hated putting him in this position. I hated asking him these questions. But I had to know. I mean, Amy had to know. “Okay. Let me put it this way. You like her as a friend right?”
He nodded his head, still staring at his shoes.
“Could you like her as more?” Asking that question hurt me. Because I was afraid of the answer. Afraid he'd say yes. But he didn't say yes. He didn't say anything.
He looked at me, his empty chip plate laying on the floor, and just looked at me. As if he could find the answer to the question in my eyes. I looked back, not because I had the answer, but because I couldn't resist. His eyes had always mesmerized me. And now they had me wondering just what he was thinking as he stared at me like that.
His gaze was starting to scare me and I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. Instead I said, “So. Could you?”
He broke the gaze and stared at his shoes again. Shrugging his shoulders he said, “I don't know. I guess I could.”
My heart broke right then and there. He could like her. That means he will. I knew it. I just knew it.
That night. After retelling our conversation to Amy a million times and slow dancing with him once. I went home to box my feelings away and live with the idea of not having him.
Listen, late last night, I head the screen door swing,
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away
Now don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Hey now now, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot
Why not, they paved paradise
They put up a parking lot
Hey hey hey, paved paradise and put up a parking lot
The next day I got an email from my dear friend telling me that the conversation must have worked because he was being a lot more nicer to her and she thought that he might ask her out soon. I swallowed my emotions and congratulated her, squealing over that bit of good news.
About a week later I heard they had their first date set up.
The next day Amy told me all about it and how sweet he was.
A month later they were officially a couple.
I had thought by then I would be past filling lower than dirt whenever I heard about them, but I wasn't.
I don't wanna give it
Why you wanna give it
Why you wanna giving it all away
Hey, hey, hey
Now you wanna give it
I should wanna give it
Cuz you're giving it all away, no no
A week after they reached couple status I bumped into him on one of my walks. I couldn't tell if he looked happy or not. But that might have just been because I felt so miserable. I said hi and he gave me a hug. One of his hugs that I missed so much. I almost melted into him, but I didn't.
“So I haven't talked to you in forever. How've you been?” I asked awkwardly.
“You know. It's been alright. I've really missed you.” He smiled.
I couldn't resist smiling back. “Yeah. I missed you too.”
But, as if someone thought I needed reminding, Amy walked up to us.
“Hey sweetie.” She smiled, pecking him on the cheek before seeing me and tackling me into a hug. Although she had the guy I liked I couldn't hate her. She was still my best friend.
We talked for a little bit, but I couldn't stay for long. I was feeling nauseous just seeing them together. I waved good bye on some lame excuse and weak promise to see them again and then bolted.
I don't wanna give it
Why you wanna give it
Why you wanna giving it all away
Cuz you're giving it all giving it all away yeah yeah
Cuz you're giving it all away hey, hey, hey
And now I'm sitting against a big tree bawling my eyes out, 'cause I missed my chance. I convinced myself I didn't like him. I helped my best friend get him to like her. I planned it, I organized it, I made it happen. It's because of me they're a couple. And I hate myself for it. I hate him for making me like him. For being such an adorable gentleman. I hate her for liking him. For being my best friend and for making me help her.
I hate everything and everybody.
And now I'm stuck with no where to go. Missing what I never had. And wishing for what my friend does have. Wondering if he had ever, could ever like me. And knowing I'll never know because I was too afraid to admit it to myself.
I guess that song on the radio was right. You really don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Hey, paved paradise, to put up a parking lot
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Paved paradise and put up a parking lot
