Seeing Him Standing There
[Kevin One-Shot]
I stood in the train station, motionless and expressionless. He was three feet from me, surrounded by adoring fans of all ages and places. I watched his own expression change as each girl asked him her own question, and I watched as he answered them, smiling for pictures and pulling out a pen for autographs.
A snap took my attention away from his face. Blinding light filled my eyes for one hundredth of a second, and I blinked, trying to block out the glare. “Smile!” The warning came too late, and I feared a ruthless picture of me would fill the front page news. I could see the headlines now.
JONAS AND EX FACE-DOWN: WHO WAS VICTORIOUS?
Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.
The familiar song echoed in my mind, and I started singing softly to myself.
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're one
My voice grew louder now, and I closed my eyes, starting to smile a bit, glad that I was my mother’s daughter. Celine Dion created this song from her heart, and I was proud of her for such a touching song. I knew she had crafted it pertaining to a movie, but I couldn’t help applying it to my own life.
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
There is some love that will not
go away
I had his attention now, his eyes trained on my face. The remaining girls looked warily at me, moving away from Kevin. I couldn’t blame them, but right now I didn’t have the right to care. I missed him with something that I couldn’t explain. But I could through song - my mother’s song.
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.
I finished with my voice quiet, as I had started. His eyes were swallowing me whole - I was drowning. Drowning drowning, down down down. The train station slowly emptied for the noon lunch break, and I could hear the last of the coaches pulling away from the station.
“Raelynn?” He asked, curiosity afire in his frown.
I felt my lip quiver, and before I knew it, tears were pooling down my cheeks, leaving salty trails behind them.
Kevin walked toward me, pulling me into his arms gently. “Raelynn Dion.” He murmured into my hair, rocking us back and forth. I couldn’t speak, sadness crushing me while I was with him this one last time.
“I-I-I-I-I-“ My lips stuttered, and I tried to find the words to say to him. The words to say to Kevin Jonas, the one guy in the world I had ever really fallen for. “I-I- Kevin, I-I-“ He shushed me gently, nodding as to affirm my fragment of a sentence.
“I’m s-so-so-s-s-sorry.” I gasped out, finally saying what I had meant to say. Trembling, I collapsed. Kevin grasped me gently in his arms again, pulling me up into the air. I was cradled as he made his way over to the stairs. “Kevin,” I started again.
“No, Rae.” He silenced me with a finger to my lips. “I don’t want to hear it until you can actually say it, and not collapse.” His jaw set, Kevin gently helped me to the bottom step, setting me down placidly.
“No, no you Kevin.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. “I-I-I-I-I can say t-this.” I bit my lips, trying to hold in the rest of the tears that threatened to explode from within me. I failed at my attempt, and a few more rolled down my cheeks.
“Raelynn?” I heard his question, but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t look up. Not back into those depths of chocolate that swallowed me whole.
“Kevin, I can’t stand a day without you. I don’t want to live my day and not know you, and I can’t pretend to live my life with the fact that you’re gone. I l-l-love you, and no matter what, that’s not going to change. I came here to tell you that-that,” I stopped, breathing. “That I I’m not saying I can’t live without you, because I can. What I’m saying is that I don’t want to.” More tears fell from my eyes, like sparkling dew drops on a mid-summer early morning. “I don’t want to.”
Kevin had left me twelve months, two weeks, three days, and thirteen hours ago on the simple reason that I couldn’t make up my mind on what I felt. I had been devastated, crumpled in a heap for more than my share of time. It was because of me that he had left. He had been the highlight of my each and every day. And I couldn’t live my life anymore. I didn’t want to move on because I didn’t want to let him go, and it was two days and three hours ago that I had realized that I loved him with all of my battered heart.
I tried to stand up, moving robotically as I watched his stone cold face stare at me for what seemed like millions of years. Once I was on my feet, I put my head in my hands, mumbling through them so he couldn’t see the rest of my tears.
“Raelynn, I left. I don’t intend to come crawling back because you’ve decided to adjust your feeling or have decided that you really do love me. What do you expect me to make out of that?” I heard his voice piercing through what was known as Raelynn Dion, and I felt her crumple inside of me, like the long dead leaves of winter.
“I just thought you should have known the truth.” And with that I turn away from the one person I had ever truly loved, walking away from any hope of reconciliation with the one person that had ever really known me for me.
My steps echoed on the now empty train station, and I felt the afternoon sun touch my skin where it was bare. The sun did nothing to my being, and as I walked to the elevator, I felt myself breaking into sobs. Rushing for the metallic lift doors, I forced them open, grabbing the railing in the back of the elevator.
There is some love that will not
go away.
I sang to myself through my tears, wrapping my arms around my sides in the process. So this was it. My mission had failed, fairytale not come true. I exhaled, realizing that maybe in reality, fairytales didn’t exist. The thought alone was enough to unhinge me, but I pushed it away for further thought later. {{SECOND PART, NEXT POST}}
