I wrote this two days ago, but never had a chance to post it. so now I am.
that's about it.
comment if you love it.
comment if you hate it.
~Belles <3 [....don't ask.....]
Addicted
I fiddled with my necklace nervously. I wasn't one for confrontation or asking questions that could lead to me getting hurt, but I had to know. I had to find out what was really going on between me and him. Or if I had imagined it all. So I strode across the hard concrete floor of the tv studio lot and approached him, hanging with his friends.
“Hey... can we... I mean... can I ask you a question? Over there?” I was able to finally get out, stumbling on my words all the way.
He stared at me for a small moment before shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Sure.”
I walked a good distance away from his small group to give us a bit of privacy, to hopefully give me a bit of confidence. “So I... Well I mean... uh.” I stared at my shoes, fear paralyzing my carefully planned words. A whole bunch of What Ifs... plagued my mind and I was finding it hard to speak.
I quickly glanced up at him. He didn't say a word. No prodding me to spit it out or a lame comment on my inability to talk like a normal person. He wasn't like that. If there was no reason for him to speak. He didn't. He knew when to choose his words carefully and when to be his wonderful hilarious self. I liked that about him, but right now the silence was making me nervous. Not awkward, never awkward, just... slightly uncomfortable.
“Do hate me me?” I finally blurted out hoping it would fill the silence and noticing it only intensified it. So I continued to babble, like I was prone to do in certain situations. As if my talking through the silence would make everything better.
“Or do you just not care? I mean, you haven't talked to me in a few weeks, maybe even a month, and I'm just wondering why. I miss talking to you. And I wanna know if you hate me, 'cause... well... I like to know when people hate me. Wait, I didn't mean it like that. I meant, when people hate me I like to know why 'cause then maybe I can fix it. Well, I don't like to know everyone who hates me 'cause that would be asking for trouble and just plain stupid. But if you're my friend, or I thought you were I'd like to know 'cause....”
I took a quick breath. My talking wasn't getting my anywhere. So I was blunt again. “So do you? Hate me?”
He tilted his head to one side, his eyes showing surprise and questioning. “I could never hate you.”
My body relaxed slightly, finding comfort and relief in those words, glad that he knew now was not the time for joking. If he had laughed claiming to hate my very guts, it would've broken my heart, joking or not. He just had that affect on me. Now I had to gather my fragile courage again and ask the next question. “Then why? Why do you keep ignoring me?”
He was silent once again. I wondered if it was because he had nothing to say or because he was afraid to tell me the truth. Did he even know why he'd been avoiding me?
“Look, I'm only asking you because I like you. I mean like you as a friend. Could I like you as more? I don't know. You won't let me get close enough to find out. But I do know that when we do hang out I feel like I'm on top of the world. You make everything so exciting and new. I see the world differently when I'm with you. I like that you can be wonderfully funny or insightful. I like that you know when to crack jokes and when to put a comforting arm around someone's shoulder. But I don't like that it never seems to be me. That you always seem to be across the room, away from me. I..” I stopped realizing I was sharing too much. Putting myself too far out there.
“So... why don't you talk to me anymore?” I stared into his eyes, the ones that trapped me. I wondered if he was ever going to speak.
“I don't know.” He whispered, his eyes showing uncertainty and confusion.
And that was that. The only thing he could say after I had unintentionally spilled some of my heart for him. I bit my lip. “I guess... I'll... see you around or something. Right?”
He nodded his head, his hands stuffed in his pockets, shoulders hunched. “Right.”
I turned around and walked away, imagining a trail of pieces from my broken heart following behind me. A little melodramatic? Maybe. But I felt as though I had just gotten rejected. And that hurts. It hurt even more because, I know this might be horrible to say but, I was basically addicted to him. I'd put up with him ignoring me for weeks on end for so long, because I knew with that came the magical times we did share together. I let him forget about me, because I hoped that as long as I didn't forget about him we still had a chance. When I watched him talking to other people, laughing at things I would never be in on, I always held onto that small chance that he thought about me. That he stole secret glances at me when I wasn't looking. It was the dream that kept me going. But then I had to ruin it with questions. And I found out that, he didn't really think of me. At all.
It hurt, but I told myself I needed to be strong. To just forget about him and hang out with my other friends. Because if he wasn't nursing a broken heart over me, why should I spend any more nights (and days) thinking of him? In theory, it was great. On the surface, it worked. I hadn't talked to him in weeks besides for work related stuff. But in reality, I missed him. A lot.
And then it happened. We had to shoot our big scene. The finale of the final episode of the season. The turning point in Joe's and Sarah's currently going nowhere relationship. See Sarah was kind of a stalker of the band (mostly Joe) in the beginning of the season, but after a few episodes she grew. She began popping up just when they needed help and saving the day, or being there to give an encouraging word when one of them was down. She started to seem more like a friend, but Joe still referred to her as Stalker Girl behind her back and S.G to her face. Which actually fit since her name was Sarah Garrett. But he never called her Sarah. Until now.
I stood next to Joe as the director reminded us where we were in the scene and where to go with it.
“So Joe, you and your brothers are giving a concert at the local mall. Remember, you haven't seen Sarah around in a while and you kinda miss her. Just as you start a new song you see her walk past the stage. She doesn't stop and for some reason that bothers you. After the concert is over you spot her again, shopping bag in hand. We're taking it from there. Remember, Joe, you're kinda confused and realizing you miss her. Ginny, you've gotten over your stalker crush, but you still like him. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded as Joe agreed. We went to our spots and waited.
“Action!” The director commanded.
I strode confidently past Joe, a shopping bag filled with newspaper in my hand.
“S.G!” Joe called standing up from his position on the stage and walking over to me.
I turned around and raised my eyebrow. “Yes?”
Joe scratched his head and shuffled his foot a little bit. “I had a concert here today.” He announced looking up at me.
I gave an amused smirk and said, “I noticed.”
He hesitated before saying, “Why didn't you watch?”
I shifted my weight to my other foot and shrugged, “I had to get something,” I lifted my shopping bag a bit and then added, “Besides, it's not like you really wanted me there.”
That left him speechless for a moment before he hastily said, “Of course I wanted you there. I realized today how much I look forward to seeing you in the front row of every show. I like watching you as you sing and dance along to our songs, that goofy smile on your face. You make performing that much more fun for me. Plus, I like being able to identify a face in the crowd.”
I ducked my head and blushed at his words. “Really?” My voice raised in disbelief, but I soon lowered it to convey dejection as I said, “But you still think of me as that stalker girl. Don't you? That hasn't changed.”
Joe took a step closer to me. “But I want it to.”
I looked up at him, a small smile making its way onto my face as I raised my eyebrow again saying, “Really?”
Joe let out a small chuckle. “Yes, really. I'd like... you to be my friend. If you'd like.”
I grinned. “I'd love to on one condition.”
“Anything.” Joe immediately agreed.
There was a small pause before I answered saying, “Call me by my first name. Please?”
Joe laughed as he hugged me, “Of course Sarah. Of course.”
“Cut!” Yelled the director and I quickly pulled away from Joe. His words still echoing in my head. If only they'd been true and meant for me and not Sarah. If only he'd really want to be my friend.
“We're going to run that again.” The director said and we got back into positions. We ran through that scene five more times before he called it quits and we were allowed to go home.
The next day Joe walked up to me before shooting began. “So, you looking forward to the next season?” He asked casually, as if I hadn't been ignoring him for the past couple of weeks.
“Yeah, I am.” I replied. And just like that I had taken him back. We were back to our old routine. Having fun and being ignored. It was a vicious cycle, but one I couldn't quite quit. But maybe that was for the best, I mean, you can't have the good without a little bad, right? And besides, if we keep it up, maybe he will realize he enjoys hanging out with me.
Sure this might not have been the ending you were looking for. You might've wanted me to be strong. And I wish I was, really I do. Sometimes I hate myself for being so weak. But I was never one to hold grudges for long or ignore Joe. I was addicted to him and there was no getting around that. Yes, it might have been satisfying to walk away when he approached me. Ignore him like he'd done to me so many times before. But in the end, I probably would've only been hurting myself.
Of course there was always that other option. The one I've daydreamed about so often it plays like an old movie in my head on repeat. The one that I knew so well I could've mistaken it for a memory except for the fact that there was no truth in it, because it never happened.
The one where Joe would stop me, calling me by name. He'd hold my hands, staring into my eyes, and tell me exactly how he felt. How he loved talking to me. How he only felt alive when I was around. How I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Then he'd tell me those three precious words, I like you. Not love, no. It was too soon for that. I was perfectly content in knowing he liked me. That is, I would be if it were true. But it wasn't.
So instead I'm stuck with reality. Which wasn't quite so bad as I made it out to be. I still got to see him and talk to him. Just... nothing more.
Maybe someday. Maybe.
And hey, there's a rumor going around that Joe and Sarah get together in the next season. Kissing scene anyone?
